Creating Extraordinary Joy
A Guide to Authenticity, Connection, and Self-Transformation
by Chris Alexander
Extraordinary joy is freedom from the roller-coaster of daily highs and lows that most of us experience. It is a state of deep satisfaction and continuous delight that comes when we really like who we are, how we live with others, and what we do in life. The key to this is synergy: making connections that energize and inspire us beyond the ordinary. It could be a connection with our own mental, emotional, and spiritual levels or with a loving partner, a respected colleague, or a community or group. Acting in synergy brings us to a whole new level of happiness.
Using inspirational teachings from traditional and contemporary sources, images from nature, powerful exercises, and real-life examples from workshops and seminars, Chris Alexander describes the seven steps that can put synergy in your life. Each step yields a life lesson that allows you to break free from patterns of behavior that cause guilt, hurt and fear. These lessons include:
,understanding synergy and making it work for you
,recognizing all your available life choices
,clearing out old ideas that cause you pain
,making choices that express the needs of your true self
,living up to your higher purpose
,achieving your goals
,staying connected with the joy you’ve found
Creating Extraordinary Joy will inspire you to make choices that fulfill your deepest needs. You will learn to envision—and create—the most important sort of happiness: an immoderately, exuberantly joyful life.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Playbacks from Wayback
Inhibiting Thoughts are our attempts to gain control over events by preventing old stressors and bad past experiences from repeating themselves. Like overprotective parents, Inhibiting Thoughts try to stop us from wandering into bad situations, from taking chances or incurring emotional risks. Memories of things that went wrong in childhood inspire Inhibiting Thoughts, which act as policemen, saying “You can’t, you shouldn’t, remember when you tried this before?” So don’t hate your Inhibiting Thoughts, and don’t dislike yourself for having them, because they are just trying to take care of you in the only way they know. But you don’t need them, and they get in your way. No one functions best in an atmosphere of fear and guilt, which is what Inhibiting Thoughts create. So when you encounter one, recognize it, thank it for its well-meaning advice, and replace it with a cheerful, present-focused Healing Thought.
Painful events from our past also give birth to what I call our Playbacks from Wayback. They cause worry, tension, sadness, and anger, as we relive unhappy moments over and over. In general, Playbacks come from events that took place when we were children, often with parents, teachers, or other kids. The greatest impact is made by parents, who effectively build a child’s world and interpret reality for the child until the child is grown. Getting negative messages at home guarantees we’ll leave home with a lot more baggage than we can fit into an old VW Bug!
Playbacks from Wayback are the antithesis to living Right Now, because they drag us kicking and screaming into the past. The Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh are two examples of masters who teach the importance of living Right Now. Thich Nhat Hanh, in Peace Is Every Step, teaches readers that the only real moment is the moment that happens now and that the path to contentment can be followed as simply as appreciating the moment. Remember how utterly possible it is to choose to return to the present. Participate in Right Now, and you will find yourself more centered and more satisfied. Stop reading, look around the place where you sit, and find something you like. It might be a flower or a postcard or the open window. Just take a minute to appreciate the colors, the sounds, and the smells that surround you right now. That is present-moment living, and it is the perfect antidote to Playbacks from Wayback.
Joe’s Playback
Joe was born to a military family that moved six times before he was eight. Every year, he was the new kid on the block, the new kid in school. He learned to fight on the playground, but he was still the target of every bully, so he fought a lot. His teachers never remembered his name and the other kids treated him like what he was—an alien. Joe was naturally shy, and as he got older, he stopped even trying to make friends, reasoning that he’d just move away and leave them anyway. His family continued to move until his father retired in Joe’s second year of high school.
Suddenly, the family was settled. Joe’s dad got a regular job, and his mom started buying furniture for the house they’d just bought. Joe had to figure out a new way to go to school, since his old strategies had been to keep to himself and do just enough to get by. Before, when he had had a problem with a teacher or another kid, he’d always had the security of knowing that the school year would end and he would move to another state, but now he was stuck. He solved his dilemma by studying hard and graduating early.
But Joe’s first job mirrored his school experiences. He was once again the new kid. He was cool, standoffish, and self-sufficient. He was also lonely and scared, because he was sure people didn’t like him. His Playbacks were in full force, and going to sales conferences vividly recalled the torture of being forced by teachers to introduce himself to his classmates. He felt his coworkers talked down to him or ignored him like kids did in high school, although in fact, they were trying to be helpful. When he reacted to defensively to suggestions, they retreated and left him alone.
After reading a book called Military Brats, Joe learned that many military kids have problems connecting with people because they moved too often to ever really get close and stay close to others. After thinking about the number of people he knew and the fact that he kept feeling attacked, he realized the problem was mostly his. He sat down and thought about his Playbacks from Wayback and realized that if he didn’t do something proactive and positive, he’d end up alone. He wanted friends and needed to learn how to make them. He needed his job and wanted to be able to enjoy it. He did a lot of journaling about things he didn’t like about his past and things he wanted for his present. He started paying attention to ways he could connect with people. He used affirmations, saying things such as, “I’m not a kid anymore” and “I like to meet new people and learn new things.” He started catching himself when he felt threatened and defensive, and he learned to react more optimistically at work. Despite his shyness, he attended every seminar, every party, and every event he heard about. He even joined the company bowling league! Bit by bit, Joe built a life filled with friends, activity, and connection. His lonely childhood was put to rest.
Refocusing on the Present
Being aware of negative thought patterns and committing to changing them is a terrific starting point for overcoming negative messages from the past. Inhibiting Thoughts are usually leftovers from childhood, and current situations may trigger responses from us that are based more on the past than on the present. When all the old, painful feelings flood over you, it’s difficult to react with a present-based focus. When we find ourselves in situations reminiscent of old, unhappy events, we react to the overwhelming strength of the old event rather than to the relatively mild current event. It’s almost as if a switch is thrown, turning on a tape from the past and blotting out what’s happening in the Now. These Playbacks from Wayback are powerful and upsetting occurrences,after experiencing one, people may say things such as, “I felt like I was 6 years old again and trapped in the living room with all these people telling me to sing. It was horrible!”
You may recognize a Playback by the feeling of suddenly being younger, overwhelmed, or out of control, or the person you are with may suddenly remind you strongly of someone from your past. The situation may feel like a bad dream. Remember, Playbacks come from childhood, when we didn’t have much say in what happened to us. Playbacks cause us to forget that we have more choices in adulthood than we did in childhood,in the midst of overpowering emotions, it’s hard to think or to make rational decisions. We may feel like throwing a tantrum, or we may freeze in place.
If you find yourself caught in a Playback, the best thing to do is take a break from the current situation, get calmed down (by breathing, by replacing Inhibiting Thoughts with Healing ones, or by using Affirmations, which we will cover later in this book, in the “Step Four” chapter). When you have pulled yourself into the present again, you can tackle the situation that once so strongly reminded you of the past.
Your Body’s Link to Playbacks
The first key to understanding your Playbacks is listening to your body. Often, when you are not consciously aware of a Playback, your body lets you know that something’s wrong. Some people experience Playbacks in sudden physical symptoms such as headaches, neck or back problems, nervous tics, or tension in the stomach. You may discover that certain pains represent particular Playbacks. When you identify a physical symptom that occurs alongside a nagging feeling, you have spotted a Playback. When it happens, take a moment to wonder at the miraculous nature of your mind/body connection. What a smart body you have, one that can alert you to the subtle workings of your mind!
What we resist persists, and what we leave undone festers. When I have a headache, I relax and focus on it,I give it attention by zeroing in on the center of the pain. I clearly identify the center point. I identify its color, shape, and size and then ask the headache if it’s satisfied with my attention. Most of the time it dissipates, satisfied that I have received its message.
Sometimes, when I am talking to someone, I feel a cold shiver or get a nose itch, an itchy eye, or an itchy spot on my body that needs to be scratched. I know my body is responding to subconscious thoughts and reacting defensively to the person or situation. The subconscious mind and body can often recognize a situation that is similar to a past experience. Listening and responding to our emotional responses and bodily reactions is a Life Mastery tool for keeping us in the present moment.
When the Body Rebels
Marty’s father taught him well. Boys aren’t supposed to cry, and when Marty was little, his father would shake him hard and roughhouse until the boy was in tears. Then he’d be punished for crying. Marty had an early memory of playing football as a kid. He got hit so hard that it knocked the wind out of him, and he lay on the ground trying to figure out which way was up. His father ran onto the field, ran over to his son, and screamed at him to get off the ground.
Marty grew up macho, and arrogance covered up how worthless he felt. He did okay at work but never really made a success of himself, which fueled his feelings of being a loser. No one knew his weaknesses because he didn’t talk about them, not even when he started having strange muscular pains. He never told a soul, not even his wife.
Multiple sclerosis eventually caused him enough problems that he was forced to admit he needed help. As his body grew weaker and less reliable, his spirit strengthened. He learned to reject his father’s evaluation of him as a weakling, and as he started to accept his unavoidable physical weakness, he watched his business start to take off. The failure that his father had created in his mind no longer held Marty down. He is sometimes in a wheelchair now, but he keeps his symptoms in check by controlling his negative Playbacks. In some ways, Marty has been terribly unlucky, but in others, he’s luckier than many men. He no longer has to pretend to an importance he never felt: he is a worthy, significant person, and he knows it. So he’s also luckier than his father ever was.
Deal with physical symptoms as soon as possible after they arise. Trying to “push through” a headache or strange joint pain because you have to complete a project usually ends up taking more time than ducking outside for 5 minutes to close your eyes, feel the sun on your face, and reconnect with Right Now. Whenever you possibly can, pay attention to your Playbacks—it’ll save you time and energy in the long run.
Playbacks from Wayback tie up your present self, and accompanying Inhibiting Thoughts pull in the reins of your creativity and possible joy. That doesn’t mean that anyone who has Playbacks from Wayback can’t be happy! But to free yourself from Playbacks from Wayback requires a commitment to decrease Inhibiting Thoughts and change negative thought patterns that arise from your past. Creating synergy requires a present-moment focus, which means that the less history you relive, the freer you are to engage in and enjoy Right Now!
Other People’s Playbacks
The second key to understanding Playbacks from Wayback involves your perceptions of others. Everyone has Playbacks,virtually no one is exempt. If you have problems relating to someone who seems to expect the worst from you or hold a grudge against you, who isn’t hearing what you actually said or who is reacting with more emotion than the situation calls for, stop and realize that this person may be caught in the grip of a Playback. Rather than trying to reason with someone who’s wrestling past demons, it might be better to take a break and come back to the discussion when everyone has calmed down. Sometimes there’s not much another person can do about a Playback, so the most important thing you can do is to try to have compassion for the other person. If it’s your Playback that is causing trouble, recognize it, by all means, but also cut yourself a break. Again, apply the compassion you would feel for a friend in a tight spot to yourself.
A Sample Playback
Joan and Fred have been dating steadily for 4 months. They see each other once a week and are beginning to get close. The relationship feels nice, and Joan tells Fred that she wishes they could see each other twice a week. Now, although Fred actually has been thinking the same thing, he suddenly perceives that Joan is reciprocating his interest and acting on it before he’s ready to act. However, he goes even farther than that,he now sees her as “chasing” him, and he feels frightened. Other women have tried to chase him, to “trap” him. She must want a commitment: his very way of life, his freedom, is threatened! He interprets Joan’s request for a second date a week as her “desperation,” so he withdraws. He doesn’t even call her the next Friday (their usual date night).
Joan has been here before. She’s dated men who disappeared into the sunset as soon as she expressed interest in them, and she doesn’t intend to go through that experience again. She feels hurt and humiliated, not just about Fred but about Roger and Travis and Daniel and three or four other guys from her past (ranging back to junior high school). She doesn’t stop to think about why Fred might be overreacting. She throws away all the little gifts he’s given her, and when he does call (to apologize and make up) the following Friday, she doesn’t answer the phone. He calls several times over the next week, but she ignores his messages. She never sees him again.
In this example, both people are caught in their Playbacks. Fred’s experience of feeling “chased” or “trapped” coincides with his belief that the man should make the decisions about how fast and how far a relationship should proceed. It isn’t Joan’s idea but his own fear that causes him to avoid her until he finally realizes that his old Playback is interfering with his present and future happiness with an extremely nice woman.
Joan’s reaction to her Playback prevents her from picking up the phone when Fred calls. Sure, he has acted like a jerk, and she has every reason to be upset with him. But she ends the relationship because she can’t see beyond her past and into the present situation with Fred, who has not actually run away,he has just hidden out for a while.
This story could easily have a happy ending. When Fred calls back, Joan picks up the phone, listens to his apology, and reacts coolly (after all, Joan’s only human, and he has ignored her for a solid week). But they start talking, and keeping in mind their own fears, they also start to understand each other’s fears. Fred realizes he has overreacted and admits that he would like to see Joan more often, but that he has been freaked out about the idea of standing 2-nights-a-week dates. Joan accepts that and ventures that she might be happy with a second weekly date on a more random basis. She also lets him know that she needs to hear from him by Wednesday if they are going out at all, and Fred promises to call on Wednesdays, come hell or high water.
By attending to their Playbacks but acting with a present-moment focus, Joan and Fred could negotiate themselves right into a better relationship, weather their first storm, and build a foundation for trusting each other.
PUBLICATION DETAILS
PUBLICATION DATE: 2001 December
PAGES: 288
SIZE: 6 x 9
ILLUSTRATIONS: 14 charts
INDEXED: No
BIBLIOGRAPY: No
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Chris Alexander is a speaker and corporate coach who has spent 20 years helping people and organizations maximize their potential for greatness. The founder of Synergy Executive Education, Mr. Alexander hosts a popular radio show and two cable TV programs. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Maryna.
